Consider a situation in which one might feel insulted or offended in a conflict situation. The transgression could involve hurt feelings, personal verbal attacks, or even something as extreme as physical violence. The injured party has two distinct options in handling the aftermath of the situation. He can forgive the individual for the transgression or he can live in a state of unforgiveness. The former involves benefits for both the individual themselves as well as for others around him. The latter decision, however, condemns the individual to a state of bitterness, resentment and anger (Cahn & Abigail, 2007).
Forgiveness is defined as a process that allows an individual to let go of feelings and a desire to retaliate (Cahn & Abigail, 2007). Forgiveness is characterized by a reduction in focus on the other person and the transgression that was perpetrated. In addition, forgiveness affirms the other person as an individual and rejects the notion of victimization (Cahn & Abigail, 2007). In this respect, forgiveness empowers the individual to take control of the situation rather than have the situation and the emotions associated with it consume the individual involved.
There are two critical aspects to note about forgiveness. First, forgiveness does not minimize the action or the consequences that may have occurred because of the transgression (Wilmot & Hocker, 2007). It recognizes the event for what actually occurred and the feelings that were involved. Second, forgiveness does not negate the need or even the desire for justice involving the situation (Wilmot & Hocker, 2007). The offended parties may still desire restitution for the event.
The reality of forgiveness is that it has a profound effect interpersonally as well as intrapersonally. The benefit to the offending party is obvious. It puts them in a position where they do not need to feel retaliation or retribution. This may help them to to issue an apology to the offended parties as well as begin to atone for their actions (Wilmot & Hocker, 2007). This can help the healing and resolution process for all involved. As for the intrapersonal aspect of forgiveness, the offended party can release the anger and hostility associated with the event. No longer will they be filled with all consuming rage against the individual. We periodically hear about such cases in the news where the victim of a crime forgives the perpetrator and actually communicates with the individual. This may even occur within a correctional institution where the individual meets with the offender and expresses their forgiveness. It does not eliminate the need for the individual to pay their debt to society though.
Finally, forgiveness is not a position of weakness. The opposite is true. Forgiveness empowers the individual to rise above the situation and begin to look at the betterment of themselves and those associated with the event. In this respect, it is a position of strength that helps all involved to leave the events of the past, in the past.
Reference
Cahn, D. & Abigail, R. (2007). Managing conflict through communication. Boston: Allyn and Bacon
Wilmot, W. and Hocker, J., (2007). Interpersonal conflict (4th ed.). New York: McGraw Hill.
I was very interested in this post. I teach about forgiveness and conflict resolution both in my private practice as a psychologist as well as in corporations and with governments when I give trainings in conflict resolution and peace building in dangerous areas of conflict as a political psychologist. On a very pragmatic level forgiveness is part of a conflict resolution process. We have to heal before we can forgive and sometimes when we begin to understand why we are angry, and what are the underlying issues that caused the conflict we can begin to stop asking the question “why me” and start asking the question “why them?” what brought them to the place that they are which influenced how they behaved. This is not only part of a conflict resolution process, but also the forgiveness process. This allows us to begin to change our perceptions of the situation and begin to look at it with compassion and understanding. This is what forgiveness is about. Dr. Eileen Borris, author of “Finding Forgiveness: A 7 Step Program of Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness. http://www.dreileenborris.com; blog: http://www.findingforgiveness.blogspot.com.